Conundrum Forged from Chaos

I am a chaos magnet!!.. I say that without the slightest hint of facetiousness, though I wish there was... While I keep my own life to a reasonable level of stress, those around me continue to bring unbelievable amounts of turmoil upon me, and on no front is that more true than when it comes to roommates..

For the past 9 months or so I've thought that things might be easier, financially speaking, if I were to get a roommate. But then Todd was to visit and then LVH and G'ma visited.. And then I took in Dan, and though I did everything to help him out of his situation, he wasn't ready to break from his inner demons..

And then J asked for my help. He's someone who, like Dan, I know from the day center.. And like Dan, he was trying to escape from a horrific situation. His now ex-boyfriend was extremely abusive which caused J to get kicked out of his apartment, he'd had bouts with various substances, and his life had seemed to hit bottom.. Well, once you hit bottom there should be only one way to go and he seemed poised and motivated to make a comeback.. So, me being me, I took that chance and J moved in the beginning of October.....

I knew he needed a little time to settle.. There were lawyer appointments to attend.. His ex was charged with numerous counts of stalking and assault.. J was attending regular AA and NA meetings.. Things seemed to progress well..

Then in late November he heard from a family member that his aunt was about to die.. He also learned that his sister had died a few weeks prior to that.. In his less than functional family, I guess no one decided to take the time to tell him.. He was struggling.. Still, I held out hope that the drama couldn't last, and waited for the day that this all passed and J finally became the roommate he'd promised to be.. In the mean time, the shower didn't get finished, the heat didn't get installed, no job was held, no rent paid.....

In early January he learned that his mom's best friend (she died several years ago) whom J had always regarded as his uncle and who (since his aunt died) was the only one who still treated J as family, was very ill.. J made several trips out of state to visit him.. I was amazed at how much bad luck one person could have, and wondered how long I was going to be able to cope with having a roommate who was becoming a bit of a financial burden.. I turned off the cable to free up a few bucks and give myself a little breathing room...

About a month ago, J's uncle passed away, which sunk J into an awful depression.. Though he has family remaining, he has no family left who speak to him.. And yet things started to look up.. He started a serious drug prevention program, promised again to get the heat working, and even got a part time job.. I had my taxes done for the past two years and got back even more than expected.. I renewed my theater tickets for next season, plotted out how best to get caught back up on all my bills, and saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel..... Surely we had made it though the very worst that it could get.. Surely there was no way that things could get any worse.......

And yet......

Last week J went in for some routine blood work.. I knew that he had a serious illness, but with proper medication it can be quite manageable.. He seemed to be doing fine.. However, his Dr informed him that he has now contracted an equally serious illness.. And if that wasn't enough to deal with, he's also been exposed to a more serious form of the original illness, one that is not responsive to medication.. The two combined mean that his future is very grim..

In October I place my bets and rolled the dice, so to speak... Now I have a roommate... A roommate who, aside from me, has few upon whom he can rely on.. A roommate who will become very ill and die..... I supposed I could tell him that this is not what I signed up for.. Tell him it's been nice knowing him, but he needs to be going, that I've given all I can, and that the camel's back has broke... I could, but, me being me, I sit here and wonder how much longer I keep up what is little more than a facade of strength.. How much longer I can hold all the pieces of this together.. Hoping that this will finally be as bad as it can get...

And very thankful that it's almost spring.........


[Side note: Though Dan wasn't able to get his life together while he was staying with me, he recently moved into a structured living facility and has been clean for almost two months.. I am very proud of all that he has done and we remain very good friends..]