20 February 2006

Getting back up

I've spent most of the past four months doing pretty close to nothing. If I wasn't at work, spending a few moments on the computer, or volunteering, you'd find me either in bed or on the couch or meandering from one to the other... It was almost as if life had knocked me down and, though I'd always just bounced back, this time I wasn't getting up.

I'd gone through a less than pleasant break-up. A few weeks after that I had one of my best friends borrow a large sum of money from me and then immediately change his phone # and disappear. (Money that I'd taken out of my house to remodel my kitchen. Every month as I make a payment on that loan, I wish him unhappy thoughts.) And a few weeks after that my grandma passed away.. By this time i was numb..

I was so happy when 2005 ended. I was hoping that the new year would bring better days. And still.....

I should get up.
Why? There's nothing I have to do today.
I can't just sleep all day.
I'm happier when I'm asleep.
Alex needs to go to the park and play.
I'll just give her a bone and let her go dig in the yard.
The garbage needs to be put in the alley.
The can's only half full. It can wait until next week.
The phone's ringing.
So, let them leave a message.
I need to clean the cat box.

Why do I have this stupid cat??

My friends started wondering what was wrong. I stopped going out with them. My friend in Belgium was constantly worrying that I might be depressed. I assured her that I was just fine. But when Jill's brother killed himself, and my brother called to tell me he was really concerned about me, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't as fine as I wanted to believe. Though I'd never even thought of hurting myself and I didn't sit around all day crying, I knew that depression had many other symptoms.

So I called my doctor. She's put me on some meds and says that I'll be back to my old self in another week or so. Is this the answer?? I don't know. But I do know that I'm only sleeping about 5-6 hrs a night. I went out with friends Friday night and didn't get home until 5 am. And the cat box was changed and the garbage was out 18 hours before the garbage truck arrived.. So it may be a start..

And now, I think I'll head down to the basement and organize my storage stuff... I'm almost impressed with myself....


Blogger tif-do said...

I think sometimes it is a good start to functioning properly again. I was put on medication for awhile before and it made a difference, and now I'm not and I feel good. It doesn't have to be forever, and there is no shame in seeking help when you need it. Love you and hope you have many good days ahead.

2/20/2006 5:26 PM

Blogger leaner said...

I am sorry you feel that way. I have been prescribed meds once or twice, too. Saturday, when I wrote about depression, Will was telling me that if I wasn't feeling better on Monday, I had better get my ass to the doctor and get on medication or something, because my "funk" was turning into something more.
I responded with "yeah, lets get me on some drugs that will mean i have to stop nursing Bug, which would cause MORE depression." I am all for getting meds, if they help, but if it causes more problems, (*like it would have for me.) Well, then its not worth it.
I do feel better, and I even cleaned the house, which was getting nasty. I worry about it and am going to talk to my midwife, to see what she says I should do. I do worry about myself, because I feel that funk creeping back every night. I can keep myself busy all day and make myself think I am ok. Then night comes and the depression comes back.
Not that I would ever hurt my children, either, but post partum depression is a real and scary disorder.
Ok, now this has turned into a whole jumple itself.

2/20/2006 6:17 PM

Blogger leaner said...

correction- *JUMBLE

2/20/2006 6:18 PM

Blogger Alex's Human said...

Thank you tif-do and leaner for letting me know that you understand the difficult time I'm going through. It's comforting to know that I could turn to either of you for support.. It's been a week since I have started taking the meds, and already I feel a sense of contentment re-entering my life. A brighter day must surely lie ahead....

2/22/2006 2:54 PM


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