18 January 2006

Clearing the Air

Yes, I'm gay..

(gasp!! Is this really the way she's going to start her blog?? )

It is.. And to be blunt, deal with it.. Do you suddenly feel the need to stop reading, divert your eyes, protect your children, go back to acting or pretending it's not true, judge me? Well, I guess that will just have to be your problem. But before you do, I ask that you at least hear me out..


( We're not going to have to read about it, are we?? )

Seriously.. It's not as if I've just made some huge news flash, but it's long past time for me to make sure it's known and not only talked about when no one is really listening. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean it's the basis of my life. I won't censor my posts and I will tell it like it is, but being gay is just a small part of who I am. I'm a human being, a woman, an American (though I'm sometimes ashamed to admit that), a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend, and a hundred other things.. I live 900+ miles from my nearest relative. That's partially due to the fact that it's been easier for me to live beyond the immediate judgment of those who I love most. It pains me to know that those who mean the most to me have no idea who I am. Should you care to find out, I invite you into my reality.... Let's start by clearing the air...

For too many years I have lived within the boundaries of an unspoken understanding that you won't ask and I won't tell. That ends here, today. For here, on this blog, I will no longer be subject to the self-imposed fear of your rejection. I will no longer feel the need to conform to your standards. And I will no longer be silent so that you can be comfortable. My being gay is not a lifestyle choice. It's not a lingering effect of childhood sexual abuse. And, above all, it certainly isn't any fault of my parents. Contrary to what you or anyone else may think, I didn't wake up one day and decide to be gay. To think that is simply absurd!

How could anyone possibly believe that I chose to have my life be this difficult? For umpteen years, I woke up every day hating myself because I wasn't the person people expected me to be. Now I wake every day knowing that millions of people would rather beat the hell out of me than shake my hand. Hard as that is, it's still immensely easier than the self-hate that used to consume my life. I struggled for years before I was comfortable enough to live my life instead of existing in it, and though I'd often thought I'd never be able to honestly say this, I am happy with who I am..

Are you having a hard time reading this? I'd apologize, but there's nothing for me to apologize for. The truth isn't easy, but it is necessary and long overdue.. And as long as we keep living in the world where we don't talk about things in the context of truth, we will never really communicate. Truth starts here.. Comment as you wish, but know that hate and judgment will NOT be tolerated.. Not on my blog.....

And now that the air has been cleared, let's begin.................... Welcome to my blog!






8 Comments:

Blogger Hayduke said...

Alex’s Human, I applaud your bravery in taking the haters, doubters, and fuck nuts to task. You are perfect, you are natural, you are you, and my family and I welcome you with open arms. Not in a paternal let us comfort the lost puppy way but as equals, as friends, as family.

Someday bravery will not be required in announcing one’s true identity, someday a party will be offered when a family member finally discovers and announces who they are, alcohol will be consumed, stories will be shared, and laughter will shake shingles loose causing a chorus of drip drip drip grabbing pots; until then, individuals like yourself, risking pain, risking rejection (and no one wants to experience the feeling of rejection, don’t let them kid you), risking violence, risking everything to raise consciousness and as you said, “live your life instead of existing in it,” deserve our praise and more importantly our thanks for as Martin Luther King stated, “injustice (or marginalization) anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

Come and visit us sometime.
Love,
clint

1/18/2006 7:56 AM

 
Blogger Alex's Human said...

Hayduke,
I can't express enough thanks to you for your comments. You and your family mean more to me than you could ever know.. Looking forward to that day when we can share a beer as we talk about the world, humanity, and all the little things that make life truly worth living.. Much love!

1/18/2006 1:24 PM

 
Blogger abeNanna said...

Welcome to the world of blogging. It would take a long time to discuss the road we went on discovering this side of you. There was the beginning wondering all the way to acceptance. And if it will help, gma C and I were driving along one day and she said I know my grandchildren aren't perfect. I know about Alex's Human. She then went on to talk about a teacher she had when she was first in school and that this teacher had a female friend who lived with her. This great old lady is one of the best, she takes us for who we are, loves us in spite of ourselves, because not one of us should stand up and say we are better than another nor are any of us perfect.

This is a very diverse family, and you are an important part of it. I hope that by sharing this the gulf you have erected will be more easily crossed. If the death of your G'ma V has given you the strength to share your thoughts and feelings with the world, then something good has come from her loss.

We love you, and would love to sit and have a Yahtzee marathon sometime. Can't join you in a beer, but will gladly toast you with Diet Coke. LOL

1/23/2006 3:54 PM

 
Blogger leaner said...

YEAH! I am so glad that you started this, and are willing to come out and say it (no pun intended with the "come out" comment.) We love you, no matter what or who you are. You are you, and that is great.

I agree with Hayduke, maybe if we were able to get together at the fam reuinion, we could have a little party for you, and to celebrate your bravery.

You can always come and visit us, too.

1/23/2006 4:51 PM

 
Blogger hairball said...

You ROCK!! Loved seeing you on New Year's Eve (even though the game TOTALLY sucked) Thanx for being a part of this "typing" communication in this family, it has really opened hearts and minds for everyone. Also thanx for being in this family. Having such diversity mixed with great love in this family has helped me growing up, so that my eyes and heart were open to the great people the world has to offer.

1/23/2006 8:43 PM

 
Blogger Alex's Human said...

Abenanna,

You can't imagine how much it helps me to know that Gma C knows. For too long I have feared what she would think. Though I have never felt anything but huge ammounts of love when I'm around her, I've always had this horrible nagging thought, "would she still love me if she knew?" Never again will I have to doubt her love. Thank you so much for putting that to rest!!

Can't wait for that Yahtzee marathon. But be warned, I have it downloaded on my cell phone and I've been practicing for months!!!

Love you!

1/24/2006 4:38 AM

 
Blogger Alex's Human said...

And to all,

I gave up trying to further comment on the comments so I, instead, added a post..

Hope you know the big love I received from your comments was much appreciated..

comments, comments, comments.. As if I hadn't typed that enough times already.. :)

1/24/2006 5:40 AM

 
Anonymous bobbi said...

amen sister...we are so many more things than just gay. don't you find it odd sometimes how defining being gay can be though? i mean, straight people dont spend hours obsessing about their sexual orientation, running around thinking to themselves "i'm straight i'm straight i'm straight" or looking at other poeple and asking "hmmm do they look straight to you?" or whispering to someone else "did you know they are STRAIGHT?". they are just them. just people. i can't wait until the world lets us just be people. in the meantime though, know that you are not alone my friend, and i'm proud of you for being so honest and brave.

2/09/2006 11:04 AM

 

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