Clearing the Air

Yes, I'm gay..

(gasp!! Is this really the way she's going to start her blog?? )

It is.. And to be blunt, deal with it.. Do you suddenly feel the need to stop reading, divert your eyes, protect your children, go back to acting or pretending it's not true, judge me? Well, I guess that will just have to be your problem. But before you do, I ask that you at least hear me out..

( We're not going to have to read about it, are we?? )

Seriously.. It's not as if I've just made some huge news flash, but it's long past time for me to make sure it's known and not only talked about when no one is really listening. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean it's the basis of my life. I won't censor my posts and I will tell it like it is, but being gay is just a small part of who I am. I'm a human being, a woman, an American (though I'm sometimes ashamed to admit that), a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend, and a hundred other things.. I live 900+ miles from my nearest relative. That's partially due to the fact that it's been easier for me to live beyond the immediate judgment of those who I love most. It pains me to know that those who mean the most to me have no idea who I am. Should you care to find out, I invite you into my reality.... Let's start by clearing the air...

For too many years I have lived within the boundaries of an unspoken understanding that you won't ask and I won't tell. That ends here, today. For here, on this blog, I will no longer be subject to the self-imposed fear of your rejection. I will no longer feel the need to conform to your standards. And I will no longer be silent so that you can be comfortable. My being gay is not a lifestyle choice. It's not a lingering effect of childhood sexual abuse. And, above all, it certainly isn't any fault of my parents. Contrary to what you or anyone else may think, I didn't wake up one day and decide to be gay. To think that is simply absurd!

How could anyone possibly believe that I chose to have my life be this difficult? For umpteen years, I woke up every day hating myself because I wasn't the person people expected me to be. Now I wake every day knowing that millions of people would rather beat the hell out of me than shake my hand. Hard as that is, it's still immensely easier than the self-hate that used to consume my life. I struggled for years before I was comfortable enough to live my life instead of existing in it, and though I'd often thought I'd never be able to honestly say this, I am happy with who I am..

Are you having a hard time reading this? I'd apologize, but there's nothing for me to apologize for. The truth isn't easy, but it is necessary and long overdue.. And as long as we keep living in the world where we don't talk about things in the context of truth, we will never really communicate. Truth starts here.. Comment as you wish, but know that hate and judgment will NOT be tolerated.. Not on my blog.....

And now that the air has been cleared, let's begin.................... Welcome to my blog!